So much of the holidays can be taken up with the busy stuff of gift buying, travel plans, and food and festivity preparations that we’re often left exhausted and depleted. It’s easy to forget what the holidays are fundamentally about: to connect and be with family, friends and loved ones. This holiday, offer the gift of your presence to both yourself and your loved ones.

What do I mean by “the gift of your presence”?

Simply put, being present is about being a human being as opposed to a human doing. It’s about being with yourself or your partner instead of busily doing something with your mind elsewhere. You can also practice being really present while doing something fun with your partner. For instance, you could be on a bike ride with your love, enjoying and participating in the experience, giving both your partner and yourself the gift of your full presence. On the other hand, you could be on that bike ride with your mind a million miles away, thinking about that turkey you have to buy or something else on your to-do list. In this case you are just “doing” the bike ride. And your lack of presence may unintentionally give your partner a really negative message about your value and appreciation for them.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between “being” and “doing.”

Some of us are more toward the “being” end and some more toward the “doing” end of the Being/Doing Spectrum. If, like me, you find yourself more at the “doing” end, some kind of mindfulness practice can really help, even if it is just for 5-10 minutes a day. Consider this a chance to work out your “being muscle.” At first, you may have a hard time simply locating this muscle! Then, once you locate it and start working on it, you may feel awkward and clumsy. Afterwards, you may be super sore! But over time it gets easier and easier to work that muscle, and eventually it even becomes enjoyable. This is what mindfulness practice is like. At first it can feel difficult and awkward. Your mind is racing a mile a minute. You have no idea if you are even doing it right. Eventually, it gets easier and you start to enjoy the practice. It becomes a way to connect with yourself that is different from your habitual “doing” mode. It’s really about being with yourself, with no agenda, nowhere to go, nothing to do. It can become a deeply nourishing space that you find you really miss if you skip a day!

The Neurobiology of “We”

Your ability to be present for yourself in this mindful way not only radically shifts your relationship with yourself, it can also deeply affect your relationships. You may find that you are able to be present in a much fuller way with loved ones and that this deepens your relationships. Studies show that mindfulness increases empathy, which increases trust in relationship. As Daniel Siegel, a well-known neurobiologist, says:

If you can be open to what’s going on inside of you as it’s happening, then there’s a gateway to being open and present to other people as well… The more you are aware of your own bodily sensations, the more you could be aware of other people’s internal emotional states. It’s called the neurobiology of “we.”

Too Busy to be Present?

Does all this feel like something else to add on your to-do list? Some of the couples I see are so busy that they barely get a chance to connect with themselves, let alone each other! I saw a couple the other day who told me their session with me was the first chance they had all week to sit down and talk! In cases such as theirs, I suggest “connection rituals” that I encourage them to schedule into their busy lives. Prioritizing time together is as important for couples as going to a class or a business meeting. These connection rituals can become the lifeboat for a relationship that is drowning in to-do’s.

What is a connection ritual?

These rituals vary depending on the couple. There are 101 different ways to be together. The operative word here is be. A connection ritual is not a time to talk about the kids or scheduling. It’s a time to relax, play and enjoy each other. The couples I see have come up with a variety of connection rituals: going for a hike, playing music, taking a bath together, reading out loud to each other, having breakfast in bed, going out for a meal, having a coffee date, and so on. Be creative and see what you and your partner can come up with! And most of all, have fun!

I will leave you with this quote (and if anyone knows the source of it, please let me know!): “A beautiful marriage is built on a long series of little things you do for your mate for no reason on earth except the best reason of all, and that is that you love them.”

1) Yvonne & Angela: How homophobia ruined our romantic vacation

After I asked a lesbian couple why they hadn’t taken a vacation together in five years, this is what they told me:

Yvonne:
I took her on what was advertised as a “gay-friendly destination” but as it turned out, we were the only queer couple in sight! Consequently she was really paranoid in public and wouldn’t hold my hand on the beach or became really uncomfortable if I suggested a restaurant that looked slightly romantic. She’s a butch woman, so people were staring at her anyway because they couldn’t quite place her on the gender spectrum. It pretty much killed the romance factor out in public, and unfortunately it translated into the bedroom as well. She just couldn’t make that transition when we were alone. It was as if she didn’t take a breath until we got home. Needless to say, we haven’t been on an overseas vacation since!

Angela:
I think on some level I just didn’t feel safe. I didn’t speak the language or know the people. They stared at me all the time. I think they couldn’t figure out if I was a guy or a girl. It might sound ridiculous, but I was expecting to be attacked at any moment. Consequently, my guard was up at all times.

This couple had to deal with a whole set of stressors that a heterosexual couple would probably never need to consider when planning their holiday (like having to find a “heterosexually-friendly destination”). So much of the travel industry is geared towards the romantic getaway, but those getaways are mostly aimed at heterosexual couples. This omission of queer couples is part of what is termed “heteronormative assumptions.”

[Heteronormative assumptions] refer to automatic unconscious beliefs and expectations that reinforce heterosexuality and heterosexual relationship as the ideal norm. Thus, heteronormative assumptions create a society where only heterosexual relationships are visible (McGeorge and Carlson, 2011).*

Although the travel industry has become savvy to a whole previously untapped market and there are now ads for gay-friendly destinations on every queer travel site, the truth is that this can also be a marketing ploy. As Yvonne and her girlfriend found when they got to their “gay-friendly” destination, the locals hadn’t been informed!

2) Gloria & Maria: A pregnant lesbian couple’s first birthing class together

Gloria:
I was so uncomfortable that we were the only queer couple in the room! On top of that the trainer had us do an experiential where she asked the fathers to go on one side and the mothers on the other. She at least corrected herself when she saw me standing there awkward and alone. I felt so humiliated!

The rest of this session was spent processing Maria’s feelings about the class and her ambivalence toward attending more classes. Although Gloria was sympathetic to Maria’s dilemma, she was also clear that she wanted Maria’s support at the birth and needed to know that Maria had the knowledge to provide it. In the end, despite the stress the first class had caused, they did go back for another class and found to their delight that there was a new trainer who was much more GLBTQ savvy and aware. What a relief!

Again, these are not stressors a heterosexual couple would ever have to deal with. Being part of mainstream culture, it is easy for heterosexuals to take for granted the safety net that is automatically available. This is part of what is coined as “heterosexual privilege.” Furthermore the lack of affirmative mirroring that queer couples receive has both subtle and gross implications. “One of the less visible, but potentially most influential privileges that heterosexual individuals receive is an increased self worth that comes with being part of the dominant socially sanctioned group” (Hoffman, 2004; Worthington, Savoy, Dillon & Vernaglia 2002). When who you are and how you love is not reflected in your world, whether on TV, in films, books or other forms of mainstream media, the effect on self-esteem is persistent and corrosive, once again creating more stressors for queer couples

3) Disturbing comments from well-meaning family members

Even family members who are normally respectful toward a gay couple can fall prey to heteronormative assumptions. The following occurred during a session with a gay couple, one of whom was unemployed and looking for work. He had been offered a position overseas but had decided to turn it down because it meant being too far away from his partner.

Mike:
Can you believe my Dad encouraged me to take that job in Singapore with no regard for how it would affect my partner who has a full practice here? It was as if he saw me as a single man, living with “a good friend,” but certainly no one to consider if I was being offered employment overseas. He would never say that to my heterosexual brother and his wife!

Bill:
Your dad is always friendly to me when he sees me but hearing that makes me feel invisible.

Mike’s father was unintentionally hurtful by omission. The undermining quality that this lack of mirroring creates has a corrosive effect on self-esteem. Mike is left with the message that his relationship is less visible, less valid, and less valuable than his heterosexual brother’s.

In summary…

When I hold space for a queer couple in session, I am also considering factors outside the couple dyad, such as the effects of heteronormative assumptions and privilege that can exacerbate existing stressors in the couple. For instance, Gloria and her wife have all the stressors of being pregnant but not the knowledge that they are seen and held in a supportive community. Yvonne and her girlfriend finally find the time and money to take a vacation together only to discover they have to keep their guard up and don’t feel safe enough to express their affection and love for one another. Then, there is Mike having to deal with the crushing effects of unemployment on his self-esteem, only to have his father exacerbate this problem by unintentionally disregarding his long-standing partnership.

Queer couples simply don’t have the safety net that heterosexual couples can take for granted. The society at large does not provide the validation and affirmation that a queer couple could rely on for support during difficult times. The need for this validation and affirmation first has to be acknowledged by the individual or couple and then self-generated. While many queer couples have been very resourceful in generating their own safety nets by building their own communities and support systems, the freefall, in terms of the stigma of being an outsider and the resulting isolation, is ever present for those who do not.

*McGeorge, C. and Carlson, T. S. (2011) Deconstructing Heterosexism: Becoming an LGB Affirmative Heterosexual Couple and Family Therapist. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 37(1), 14-26.

Learn to negotiate so you can effectively handle conflict. All healthy relationships need conflict to grow however many people are afraid of conflict because they don’t know how to negotiate. Learn how to create “win-win” situations with effective negotiating skills. Good negotiation will also vastly improve your communication skills.

What Can Be Negotiated?

The only things that can really be negotiated are behaviors and decisions: In other words what someone will do and when they will do it. You cannot negotiate things like your core values, your spirituality, emotions, attitudes and trust.

3 Most Common Negotiating Mistakes:

1) Caving in too quickly to avoid tension or keep the peace
2) Stubbornly pushing too hard for your own solution
3) Failure to prepare before negotiating with your partner

Negotiation is an ongoing process not a one-time event. The more complex the situation is the more trial and error solutions will be needed. There is no such thing as a perfect solution. Good negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for both parties and strengthen the relationship.

Good Negotiation Starts With You

Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. Some helpful attitudes to consider are:

• Openness about yourself
• Listening
• Curiosity about aspects of your partner’s struggles
• Managing your emotional reactivity when talking about sensitive topics

A Grossly Simplified Overview of Successful Negotiating Steps

A) Prepare!

Before you start negotiations ask yourself:

• What do I want?
• How important is this to me?
• Why is it important
• How could I make it easier for my partner to say “Yes”?

B) Start by stating the area of disagreement without finger pointing or blaming your partner. Otherwise you will cause your partner to become defensive, which would begin negotiations on a very slippery and unproductive slope.

A good starting line is, “We seem to disagree about…” Rather than; “The problem is you…”

C) Take turns expressing your concerns and desires about the disagreement.
Person ‘A’ talks while person ‘B’ listens without interrupting. After person ‘A’ has finished person ‘B’ offers a summary of what they heard without reframing or interpreting. They are simply recapping so that person ‘A’ feels heard.

I would like to emphasize here that recapping what your partner said does not mean you are agreeing with them! This is also a good time to ask questions for clarity.

D) Switch roles.
E) After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires and each person feels understood it is time for brainstorming solutions.

It is important to realize that there might be some parts of solutions you agree with and other parts that you don’t. Remember that negotiating is an experiment and that no one is locked into a permanent solution.

F) Continue making suggestions until an agreement is reached.

G) Make a time specific agreement. Decide for how long you will try this solution. Decide when you will review these negotiations.

Et Voila! Obviously negotiating takes practice and sometimes a skilled third person is needed to help a couple navigate the many pitfalls that can arise. However with persistence and willingness, negotiating is a skill that can be developed. It is also an invaluable ‘tool’ for your communications toolbox that will serve you in all your relationships.

[sources: original article by Ellyn Bader, PhD and Peter Pearson, PhD edited by Robert Solley, PhD]

In the first session, I usually ask the couple how they have tried to solve their problems. A typical response at this point is for each person to give me a long laundry list of what they think is wrong with their partner and what the partner needs to change. I call this the “The Blame/Shame Game.” It’s a BIG trap and it keeps things very stuck!

The 3 Steps to Get Out of the Blame/Shame Game:

Step 1: Identifying the negative cycle

The negative cycle is a distancing dynamic that exists between a couple. It happens both when a couple fights endlessly and when they have given up on fighting. The storyline changes with each couple, but the dynamic the negative cycle creates is the same: distance and disconnection. When this cycle gets going, it can create an enormous distance between a couple seemingly in seconds. It loops around and around, sucking all the good and love out of a relationship.

Identifying the negative cycle can be a huge relief because you learn that the negative cycle is the enemy, not each other.

Step 2: Taking responsibility for contributions to the negative cycle

In this step, each of the partners does some self-exploration about how they get sucked into the negative cycle and then takes responsibility for their part in it.

Ultimately, recognizing what your responsibility is will empower you. You will see that there really is no power in trying to change each other.

Step 3: Recognizing triggers
Part of being able to take responsibility is recognizing when you’re triggered. It is important to do this because triggers are one of the biggest contributors to the negative cycle. When you’re triggered, you react to your partner instead of choosing how you want to respond.

How do you know when you’re triggered? This is an article all on its own, but, in a nutshell, you know you’re triggered when you’re having a bigger emotional response than the situation entails. It is when a seemingly inconsequential event sets off a big reaction in you. You may feel as if a really sensitive sore spot is being trampled on by your partner. They might not even realize they are touching the tip of an iceberg, while you’re feeling the whole iceberg rumbling.

A big step out of the negative cycle is learning how to recognize when you’re triggered and then asking for what you need. This is easier said than done because when you’re triggered, you’re often having a strong emotional and even physical response. It may be hard to put words to your experience, let alone ask for what you need.

Couples counseling can be a place to name and deal with triggers openly rather than continually run the negative cycle from behind the scenes.

If you are wondering where the love has gone between you and your partner or why you feel so ambivalent about your relationship, naming some of the above will be a huge relief. Before you let negative cycles eat away at the fabric of your relationship, try couples counseling. Through couples counseling you can rediscover love and connection. Let your relationship be a vehicle for your growth and take you to places you never dreamed possible!