I also help couples with what I call “conscious closure.” What do I mean by conscious closure? It is based on the idea that how you end something sets the stage for a new beginning. In this case, how you end a relationship creates a certain momentum for your next relationship. If you end a relationship without making time for self-reflection, you are in danger of repeating the same dynamic you had in your old relationship, albeit with someone new. If you’re noticing that you seem to be repeating the same dysfunctional dynamic in your own relationships, maybe it’s time to get curious about whether this might have anything to do with your own contribution.

For example, one of my clients kept attracting unavailable men. She really thought she wanted a long-term, monogamous relationship but she kept ending up with men who didn’t, even when they conveyed the exact opposite in the beginning. She was becoming frustrated and her self-esteem was hitting an all-time low. I gently suggested that perhaps these men reflected a part of her that was also saying “no” to the relationship. It wasn’t until we started to explore the “no” in her that things really turned around. By seriously reflecting on her own contribution to the end of one relationship, she was then able to create a different and more empowered dynamic in her future relationships.

But back to “To stay or to go?” This is a big question! There really are no generalizations I can make about this topic. It is a decision that is unique to each member of a couple. Sometimes it becomes apparent after working with a couple for a while that the best course for both parties is to end the relationship. This decision can be heartbreaking, especially if children are involved or one member of the couple is trying to hang on. Other times, even if everything in you is screaming, “Get out!” the best course might be to stay because there is so much growth potential for you in the relationship.

If you are entertaining the question “To stay or to go?” here are some things you might want to ask yourself:

Do I love this person?
This might seem obvious, but people stay together for many reasons long after the love has gone. You might stay out of convenience. Or maybe the thought of being single is too scary; you fear being alone or you are avoiding feelings of rejection or abandonment, even though staying in the relationship has you feeling lonelier than you ever would on your own. Sometimes couples stay together for the kids’ sake, although you have to wonder if the children really benefit from their parents’ loveless marriage. Sometimes it is pure habit that keeps a couple together, or emotional and financial dependency… The list goes on! If you don’t have a clear answer to this simple question, you might want to consider therapy to get some clarity, because there really is no happy relationship without this basic building block.

Can I grow with this person?
Sometimes people quite simply grow apart. You may realize you have very little in common anymore or very few places where you meet and can enjoy something together. This happened to a long-term couple I worked with who realized, sadly, that all that was holding them together were the kids.

Other times the relationship is pushing you right up against your “growth edge.” What do I mean by this? Your growth edge can take many forms, but basically it is when being in relationship forces you to look at the next step or stage in your personal and/or spiritual growth and development. This can happen when you realize that you need to look at some deeply rooted habits or beliefs if your relationship is to survive. Or when an old wound from your past surfaces in your relationship because it is ready to be healed.

For instance, I had a client who had finally found someone whom she really liked and felt very compatible with after many years of unsatisfactory dating. Her growth edge came up strongly for her at this stage, in the form of fear and the desire to run from the relationship. This made no sense to her until we started to explore her fear. She realized that she held beliefs that relationships were dangerous and had deeper beliefs that she was unlovable. Most of this stemmed from old, relational traumas from her childhood that involved physical, sexual and emotional abuse. These traumas were surfacing because her lover was getting “too close” and old alarm bells were ringing. It proved to be a wonderful, albeit scary, healing opportunity for her to address these old wounds. She was brave enough to stay in the relationship and face her demons. As a result, she grew tremendously and also found herself with the relationship of her dreams!

Is there passion or chemistry?
Passion and chemistry are those mysterious ingredients that are either there or not; you can’t really manufacture them. Sometimes passion is there for a couple in the beginning and then it just seems to evaporate. In this case, I encourage people to become really curious about when it disappeared and what was going on at the time.

Time and time again I see with my couples that when the emotional intimacy and safety in the relationship dies, so does the passion. Sometimes this happens abruptly and sometimes it happens very gradually. For instance, for one of my couples the passion started to dwindle after the birth of their first child. Although this is a common time for there to be a lull in lovemaking, they never recovered their physical intimacy and affection with one another. We had to go back to see what message each had internalized about the other during that time. Unfortunately, it had been so long that there really was very little juice left between them. All their affection had been directed toward their child while the bond between them slowly withered from neglect. They simply didn’t have enough love left for each other to salvage the relationship. It was a hard truth to face. In their case, if they had considered couples counseling ten years earlier they might have had a chance.

In closing, I would have to say that whether to stay or go in a relationship is a complex question that involves some level of self-exploration and the ability to be brutally honest with yourself. However, if I were to attempt to distill the essence of what you might consider in your exploration, you could ask yourself these questions: Who are you in this relationship? What does it bring out in you? Does it support your sense of self or does it detract from it? In other words, do you find yourself becoming someone you are not? Do you feel you are twisting yourself to fit the relationship or into the person you think your partner wants you to be? Does being in the relationship support you in being your biggest and best self?  

David Whyte speaks to this eloquently at the end of his poem entitled “Sweet Darkness”:

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

Sound familiar?

Recently I’ve been talking a lot with my couples about practicing what I call “doggy medicine.” Doggy medicine can apply to almost anyone, regardless of whether you own a dog (or your dog owns you!) or there is no dog in your life.

What exactly is “doggy medicine”?

Doggy medicine is a tool I’ve developed to help couples improve the way they interact with each other. Let’s take Maggy and Rick for instance. They can barely make time for themselves let alone each other. It seems that fighting is the main way they currently connect. They are tired and angry and depleted. The following is a dialogue from one of our sessions where I explained to Maggy and Rick how to use doggy medicine to enhance their relationship.

“When you come home, who greets you?” I ask Maggy.

“Well, I guess Latte,” says Maggy, wondering where I’m going with this. Latte is Maggy and Rick’s dog.

“Yes, and how does she greet you?” I continued. “It’s all tails and wags, isn’t it? She makes it really obvious that she is happy to see you. How is that for you?”

Maggy smiles. She says softly, “It’s the best feeling in the world.”

“What happens when Rick gets home?” I ask.

“Well, yesterday I was tired and had a headache. I yelled at him from the other room if he’d remembered to pick up medicine for Lucy (their 3-year-old.) He hadn’t. This really pissed me off. We were fighting within two minutes of him stepping in the door,” Maggy says with a sigh.

“Here is where doggy medicine comes in,” I tell her. “I want you both to practice greeting each other just like Latte greets you, regardless of what mood you are in and before you say anything to each other about the to-do’s.”

What I am advising Maggy and Rick to do is to practice connecting non-verbally, with their eyes and bodies. It could be as simple as looking at each other and giving each other a hug. It can take a second or last a few minutes—it doesn’t have to take a long time. The important thing is that a heartfelt connection is made that is free from judgment and that also affirms their relationship as coming first and foremost before all those to-do’s.

Simple instructions, but does this work?

Research shows that when we are physically close with our partners, whether that is hugging, cuddling or having sex, our bodies are flooded with “the cuddle hormones,” oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones tend to turn on reward centers in the brain, flooding us with calm and happiness chemicals like dopamine and turning off stress hormones like cortisol.

When is the best time for doggy medicine?

I recommend practicing doggy medicine during the four important transition times of the day:
1) When you wake up
2) When you part ways (usually at the beginning of the day)
3) When you reunite (usually at the end of the day)
4) When you go to sleep

Outside of these transition moments, doggy medicine can be applied anytime and anywhere. In particular, it is useful during moments of stress. Try it. It might not be your first inclination to ask for a hug when you are stressed and it might even feel very vulnerable, but I guarantee that it will produce much better results than yelling at your partner!

Try doggy medicine with your partner and fill your transition times with some cuddle hormones. Oh, and don’t forget to thank your dog (or your neighbor’s dog if you don’t have one) for such great modeling on keeping it simple and staying in connection!

So much of the holidays can be taken up with the busy stuff of gift buying, travel plans, and food and festivity preparations that we’re often left exhausted and depleted. It’s easy to forget what the holidays are fundamentally about: to connect and be with family, friends and loved ones. This holiday, offer the gift of your presence to both yourself and your loved ones.

What do I mean by “the gift of your presence”?

Simply put, being present is about being a human being as opposed to a human doing. It’s about being with yourself or your partner instead of busily doing something with your mind elsewhere. You can also practice being really present while doing something fun with your partner. For instance, you could be on a bike ride with your love, enjoying and participating in the experience, giving both your partner and yourself the gift of your full presence. On the other hand, you could be on that bike ride with your mind a million miles away, thinking about that turkey you have to buy or something else on your to-do list. In this case you are just “doing” the bike ride. And your lack of presence may unintentionally give your partner a really negative message about your value and appreciation for them.

Most of us fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between “being” and “doing.”

Some of us are more toward the “being” end and some more toward the “doing” end of the Being/Doing Spectrum. If, like me, you find yourself more at the “doing” end, some kind of mindfulness practice can really help, even if it is just for 5-10 minutes a day. Consider this a chance to work out your “being muscle.” At first, you may have a hard time simply locating this muscle! Then, once you locate it and start working on it, you may feel awkward and clumsy. Afterwards, you may be super sore! But over time it gets easier and easier to work that muscle, and eventually it even becomes enjoyable. This is what mindfulness practice is like. At first it can feel difficult and awkward. Your mind is racing a mile a minute. You have no idea if you are even doing it right. Eventually, it gets easier and you start to enjoy the practice. It becomes a way to connect with yourself that is different from your habitual “doing” mode. It’s really about being with yourself, with no agenda, nowhere to go, nothing to do. It can become a deeply nourishing space that you find you really miss if you skip a day!

The Neurobiology of “We”

Your ability to be present for yourself in this mindful way not only radically shifts your relationship with yourself, it can also deeply affect your relationships. You may find that you are able to be present in a much fuller way with loved ones and that this deepens your relationships. Studies show that mindfulness increases empathy, which increases trust in relationship. As Daniel Siegel, a well-known neurobiologist, says:

If you can be open to what’s going on inside of you as it’s happening, then there’s a gateway to being open and present to other people as well… The more you are aware of your own bodily sensations, the more you could be aware of other people’s internal emotional states. It’s called the neurobiology of “we.”

Too Busy to be Present?

Does all this feel like something else to add on your to-do list? Some of the couples I see are so busy that they barely get a chance to connect with themselves, let alone each other! I saw a couple the other day who told me their session with me was the first chance they had all week to sit down and talk! In cases such as theirs, I suggest “connection rituals” that I encourage them to schedule into their busy lives. Prioritizing time together is as important for couples as going to a class or a business meeting. These connection rituals can become the lifeboat for a relationship that is drowning in to-do’s.

What is a connection ritual?

These rituals vary depending on the couple. There are 101 different ways to be together. The operative word here is be. A connection ritual is not a time to talk about the kids or scheduling. It’s a time to relax, play and enjoy each other. The couples I see have come up with a variety of connection rituals: going for a hike, playing music, taking a bath together, reading out loud to each other, having breakfast in bed, going out for a meal, having a coffee date, and so on. Be creative and see what you and your partner can come up with! And most of all, have fun!

I will leave you with this quote (and if anyone knows the source of it, please let me know!): “A beautiful marriage is built on a long series of little things you do for your mate for no reason on earth except the best reason of all, and that is that you love them.”

1) Yvonne & Angela: How homophobia ruined our romantic vacation

After I asked a lesbian couple why they hadn’t taken a vacation together in five years, this is what they told me:

Yvonne:
I took her on what was advertised as a “gay-friendly destination” but as it turned out, we were the only queer couple in sight! Consequently she was really paranoid in public and wouldn’t hold my hand on the beach or became really uncomfortable if I suggested a restaurant that looked slightly romantic. She’s a butch woman, so people were staring at her anyway because they couldn’t quite place her on the gender spectrum. It pretty much killed the romance factor out in public, and unfortunately it translated into the bedroom as well. She just couldn’t make that transition when we were alone. It was as if she didn’t take a breath until we got home. Needless to say, we haven’t been on an overseas vacation since!

Angela:
I think on some level I just didn’t feel safe. I didn’t speak the language or know the people. They stared at me all the time. I think they couldn’t figure out if I was a guy or a girl. It might sound ridiculous, but I was expecting to be attacked at any moment. Consequently, my guard was up at all times.

This couple had to deal with a whole set of stressors that a heterosexual couple would probably never need to consider when planning their holiday (like having to find a “heterosexually-friendly destination”). So much of the travel industry is geared towards the romantic getaway, but those getaways are mostly aimed at heterosexual couples. This omission of queer couples is part of what is termed “heteronormative assumptions.”

[Heteronormative assumptions] refer to automatic unconscious beliefs and expectations that reinforce heterosexuality and heterosexual relationship as the ideal norm. Thus, heteronormative assumptions create a society where only heterosexual relationships are visible (McGeorge and Carlson, 2011).*

Although the travel industry has become savvy to a whole previously untapped market and there are now ads for gay-friendly destinations on every queer travel site, the truth is that this can also be a marketing ploy. As Yvonne and her girlfriend found when they got to their “gay-friendly” destination, the locals hadn’t been informed!

2) Gloria & Maria: A pregnant lesbian couple’s first birthing class together

Gloria:
I was so uncomfortable that we were the only queer couple in the room! On top of that the trainer had us do an experiential where she asked the fathers to go on one side and the mothers on the other. She at least corrected herself when she saw me standing there awkward and alone. I felt so humiliated!

The rest of this session was spent processing Maria’s feelings about the class and her ambivalence toward attending more classes. Although Gloria was sympathetic to Maria’s dilemma, she was also clear that she wanted Maria’s support at the birth and needed to know that Maria had the knowledge to provide it. In the end, despite the stress the first class had caused, they did go back for another class and found to their delight that there was a new trainer who was much more GLBTQ savvy and aware. What a relief!

Again, these are not stressors a heterosexual couple would ever have to deal with. Being part of mainstream culture, it is easy for heterosexuals to take for granted the safety net that is automatically available. This is part of what is coined as “heterosexual privilege.” Furthermore the lack of affirmative mirroring that queer couples receive has both subtle and gross implications. “One of the less visible, but potentially most influential privileges that heterosexual individuals receive is an increased self worth that comes with being part of the dominant socially sanctioned group” (Hoffman, 2004; Worthington, Savoy, Dillon & Vernaglia 2002). When who you are and how you love is not reflected in your world, whether on TV, in films, books or other forms of mainstream media, the effect on self-esteem is persistent and corrosive, once again creating more stressors for queer couples

3) Disturbing comments from well-meaning family members

Even family members who are normally respectful toward a gay couple can fall prey to heteronormative assumptions. The following occurred during a session with a gay couple, one of whom was unemployed and looking for work. He had been offered a position overseas but had decided to turn it down because it meant being too far away from his partner.

Mike:
Can you believe my Dad encouraged me to take that job in Singapore with no regard for how it would affect my partner who has a full practice here? It was as if he saw me as a single man, living with “a good friend,” but certainly no one to consider if I was being offered employment overseas. He would never say that to my heterosexual brother and his wife!

Bill:
Your dad is always friendly to me when he sees me but hearing that makes me feel invisible.

Mike’s father was unintentionally hurtful by omission. The undermining quality that this lack of mirroring creates has a corrosive effect on self-esteem. Mike is left with the message that his relationship is less visible, less valid, and less valuable than his heterosexual brother’s.

In summary…

When I hold space for a queer couple in session, I am also considering factors outside the couple dyad, such as the effects of heteronormative assumptions and privilege that can exacerbate existing stressors in the couple. For instance, Gloria and her wife have all the stressors of being pregnant but not the knowledge that they are seen and held in a supportive community. Yvonne and her girlfriend finally find the time and money to take a vacation together only to discover they have to keep their guard up and don’t feel safe enough to express their affection and love for one another. Then, there is Mike having to deal with the crushing effects of unemployment on his self-esteem, only to have his father exacerbate this problem by unintentionally disregarding his long-standing partnership.

Queer couples simply don’t have the safety net that heterosexual couples can take for granted. The society at large does not provide the validation and affirmation that a queer couple could rely on for support during difficult times. The need for this validation and affirmation first has to be acknowledged by the individual or couple and then self-generated. While many queer couples have been very resourceful in generating their own safety nets by building their own communities and support systems, the freefall, in terms of the stigma of being an outsider and the resulting isolation, is ever present for those who do not.

*McGeorge, C. and Carlson, T. S. (2011) Deconstructing Heterosexism: Becoming an LGB Affirmative Heterosexual Couple and Family Therapist. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 37(1), 14-26.

Learn to negotiate so you can effectively handle conflict. All healthy relationships need conflict to grow however many people are afraid of conflict because they don’t know how to negotiate. Learn how to create “win-win” situations with effective negotiating skills. Good negotiation will also vastly improve your communication skills.

What Can Be Negotiated?

The only things that can really be negotiated are behaviors and decisions: In other words what someone will do and when they will do it. You cannot negotiate things like your core values, your spirituality, emotions, attitudes and trust.

3 Most Common Negotiating Mistakes:

1) Caving in too quickly to avoid tension or keep the peace
2) Stubbornly pushing too hard for your own solution
3) Failure to prepare before negotiating with your partner

Negotiation is an ongoing process not a one-time event. The more complex the situation is the more trial and error solutions will be needed. There is no such thing as a perfect solution. Good negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for both parties and strengthen the relationship.

Good Negotiation Starts With You

Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. Some helpful attitudes to consider are:

• Openness about yourself
• Listening
• Curiosity about aspects of your partner’s struggles
• Managing your emotional reactivity when talking about sensitive topics

A Grossly Simplified Overview of Successful Negotiating Steps

A) Prepare!

Before you start negotiations ask yourself:

• What do I want?
• How important is this to me?
• Why is it important
• How could I make it easier for my partner to say “Yes”?

B) Start by stating the area of disagreement without finger pointing or blaming your partner. Otherwise you will cause your partner to become defensive, which would begin negotiations on a very slippery and unproductive slope.

A good starting line is, “We seem to disagree about…” Rather than; “The problem is you…”

C) Take turns expressing your concerns and desires about the disagreement.
Person ‘A’ talks while person ‘B’ listens without interrupting. After person ‘A’ has finished person ‘B’ offers a summary of what they heard without reframing or interpreting. They are simply recapping so that person ‘A’ feels heard.

I would like to emphasize here that recapping what your partner said does not mean you are agreeing with them! This is also a good time to ask questions for clarity.

D) Switch roles.
E) After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires and each person feels understood it is time for brainstorming solutions.

It is important to realize that there might be some parts of solutions you agree with and other parts that you don’t. Remember that negotiating is an experiment and that no one is locked into a permanent solution.

F) Continue making suggestions until an agreement is reached.

G) Make a time specific agreement. Decide for how long you will try this solution. Decide when you will review these negotiations.

Et Voila! Obviously negotiating takes practice and sometimes a skilled third person is needed to help a couple navigate the many pitfalls that can arise. However with persistence and willingness, negotiating is a skill that can be developed. It is also an invaluable ‘tool’ for your communications toolbox that will serve you in all your relationships.

[sources: original article by Ellyn Bader, PhD and Peter Pearson, PhD edited by Robert Solley, PhD]

In the first session, I usually ask the couple how they have tried to solve their problems. A typical response at this point is for each person to give me a long laundry list of what they think is wrong with their partner and what the partner needs to change. I call this the “The Blame/Shame Game.” It’s a BIG trap and it keeps things very stuck!

The 3 Steps to Get Out of the Blame/Shame Game:

Step 1: Identifying the negative cycle

The negative cycle is a distancing dynamic that exists between a couple. It happens both when a couple fights endlessly and when they have given up on fighting. The storyline changes with each couple, but the dynamic the negative cycle creates is the same: distance and disconnection. When this cycle gets going, it can create an enormous distance between a couple seemingly in seconds. It loops around and around, sucking all the good and love out of a relationship.

Identifying the negative cycle can be a huge relief because you learn that the negative cycle is the enemy, not each other.

Step 2: Taking responsibility for contributions to the negative cycle

In this step, each of the partners does some self-exploration about how they get sucked into the negative cycle and then takes responsibility for their part in it.

Ultimately, recognizing what your responsibility is will empower you. You will see that there really is no power in trying to change each other.

Step 3: Recognizing triggers
Part of being able to take responsibility is recognizing when you’re triggered. It is important to do this because triggers are one of the biggest contributors to the negative cycle. When you’re triggered, you react to your partner instead of choosing how you want to respond.

How do you know when you’re triggered? This is an article all on its own, but, in a nutshell, you know you’re triggered when you’re having a bigger emotional response than the situation entails. It is when a seemingly inconsequential event sets off a big reaction in you. You may feel as if a really sensitive sore spot is being trampled on by your partner. They might not even realize they are touching the tip of an iceberg, while you’re feeling the whole iceberg rumbling.

A big step out of the negative cycle is learning how to recognize when you’re triggered and then asking for what you need. This is easier said than done because when you’re triggered, you’re often having a strong emotional and even physical response. It may be hard to put words to your experience, let alone ask for what you need.

Couples counseling can be a place to name and deal with triggers openly rather than continually run the negative cycle from behind the scenes.

If you are wondering where the love has gone between you and your partner or why you feel so ambivalent about your relationship, naming some of the above will be a huge relief. Before you let negative cycles eat away at the fabric of your relationship, try couples counseling. Through couples counseling you can rediscover love and connection. Let your relationship be a vehicle for your growth and take you to places you never dreamed possible!