Learn to negotiate so you can effectively handle conflict. All healthy relationships need conflict to grow however many people are afraid of conflict because they don’t know how to negotiate. Learn how to create “win-win” situations with effective negotiating skills. Good negotiation will also vastly improve your communication skills.

What Can Be Negotiated?

The only things that can really be negotiated are behaviors and decisions: In other words what someone will do and when they will do it. You cannot negotiate things like your core values, your spirituality, emotions, attitudes and trust.

3 Most Common Negotiating Mistakes:

1) Caving in too quickly to avoid tension or keep the peace
2) Stubbornly pushing too hard for your own solution
3) Failure to prepare before negotiating with your partner

Negotiation is an ongoing process not a one-time event. The more complex the situation is the more trial and error solutions will be needed. There is no such thing as a perfect solution. Good negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for both parties and strengthen the relationship.

Good Negotiation Starts With You

Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. Some helpful attitudes to consider are:

• Openness about yourself
• Listening
• Curiosity about aspects of your partner’s struggles
• Managing your emotional reactivity when talking about sensitive topics

A Grossly Simplified Overview of Successful Negotiating Steps

A) Prepare!

Before you start negotiations ask yourself:

• What do I want?
• How important is this to me?
• Why is it important
• How could I make it easier for my partner to say “Yes”?

B) Start by stating the area of disagreement without finger pointing or blaming your partner. Otherwise you will cause your partner to become defensive, which would begin negotiations on a very slippery and unproductive slope.

A good starting line is, “We seem to disagree about…” Rather than; “The problem is you…”

C) Take turns expressing your concerns and desires about the disagreement.
Person ‘A’ talks while person ‘B’ listens without interrupting. After person ‘A’ has finished person ‘B’ offers a summary of what they heard without reframing or interpreting. They are simply recapping so that person ‘A’ feels heard.

I would like to emphasize here that recapping what your partner said does not mean you are agreeing with them! This is also a good time to ask questions for clarity.

D) Switch roles.
E) After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires and each person feels understood it is time for brainstorming solutions.

It is important to realize that there might be some parts of solutions you agree with and other parts that you don’t. Remember that negotiating is an experiment and that no one is locked into a permanent solution.

F) Continue making suggestions until an agreement is reached.

G) Make a time specific agreement. Decide for how long you will try this solution. Decide when you will review these negotiations.

Et Voila! Obviously negotiating takes practice and sometimes a skilled third person is needed to help a couple navigate the many pitfalls that can arise. However with persistence and willingness, negotiating is a skill that can be developed. It is also an invaluable ‘tool’ for your communications toolbox that will serve you in all your relationships.

[sources: original article by Ellyn Bader, PhD and Peter Pearson, PhD edited by Robert Solley, PhD]

In the first session, I usually ask the couple how they have tried to solve their problems. A typical response at this point is for each person to give me a long laundry list of what they think is wrong with their partner and what the partner needs to change. I call this the “The Blame/Shame Game.” It’s a BIG trap and it keeps things very stuck!

The 3 Steps to Get Out of the Blame/Shame Game:

Step 1: Identifying the negative cycle

The negative cycle is a distancing dynamic that exists between a couple. It happens both when a couple fights endlessly and when they have given up on fighting. The storyline changes with each couple, but the dynamic the negative cycle creates is the same: distance and disconnection. When this cycle gets going, it can create an enormous distance between a couple seemingly in seconds. It loops around and around, sucking all the good and love out of a relationship.

Identifying the negative cycle can be a huge relief because you learn that the negative cycle is the enemy, not each other.

Step 2: Taking responsibility for contributions to the negative cycle

In this step, each of the partners does some self-exploration about how they get sucked into the negative cycle and then takes responsibility for their part in it.

Ultimately, recognizing what your responsibility is will empower you. You will see that there really is no power in trying to change each other.

Step 3: Recognizing triggers
Part of being able to take responsibility is recognizing when you’re triggered. It is important to do this because triggers are one of the biggest contributors to the negative cycle. When you’re triggered, you react to your partner instead of choosing how you want to respond.

How do you know when you’re triggered? This is an article all on its own, but, in a nutshell, you know you’re triggered when you’re having a bigger emotional response than the situation entails. It is when a seemingly inconsequential event sets off a big reaction in you. You may feel as if a really sensitive sore spot is being trampled on by your partner. They might not even realize they are touching the tip of an iceberg, while you’re feeling the whole iceberg rumbling.

A big step out of the negative cycle is learning how to recognize when you’re triggered and then asking for what you need. This is easier said than done because when you’re triggered, you’re often having a strong emotional and even physical response. It may be hard to put words to your experience, let alone ask for what you need.

Couples counseling can be a place to name and deal with triggers openly rather than continually run the negative cycle from behind the scenes.

If you are wondering where the love has gone between you and your partner or why you feel so ambivalent about your relationship, naming some of the above will be a huge relief. Before you let negative cycles eat away at the fabric of your relationship, try couples counseling. Through couples counseling you can rediscover love and connection. Let your relationship be a vehicle for your growth and take you to places you never dreamed possible!