Ondina N. Hatvany, MA, MFT
ondinah@gmail.com
(415) 381-1065

Marriage & Couples Counseling

Working with Troubled Couples

Tired of going around in the same old circular arguments?

Worse, have you completely stopped communicating with your partner?

Do you wonder where the love, trust and intimacy have gone?

I work with traditional, queer and alternative couples to get out of the stuck places, negative ruts and reactive arguments.

How?

Using the latest discoveries in neuroscience combined with powerful and effective developments in couple’s research I combine an eclectic approach which includes Dr Sue Johnson (founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy,) the Couples Therapy Institute (one of the top couples therapy institutes in the country,) Dr Dan Siegel (leading neuroscientist/ researcher.)

It is possible to move through the roadblocks to better communication and more understanding.

Rediscover and deepen your connection to your partner by learning how to navigate difficult conversations and feelings effectively.

Communication 101

Learn communication skills that move beyond “right” or “wrong” to a place of understanding.

“There is a field beyond ideas of wrong doing or right doing- I’ll meet you there”
Rumi Quote

Learn how to negotiate any situation regardless of how polarized you and your partner have become on the issue. Successful negotiation doesn’t mean agreeing with your partner either!

“It’s better to be curious rather than furious”
Peter Bader (Director of the Couples Therapy Institute)

Pain and trauma can interfere with creating the relationship you want. Learn how to recognize when you’re triggered so that you can ask for what you need. Move beyond simply reacting to your partner to a place of empowerment where you choose how you want to respond.

Thinking of Starting a Family?

Create the right home and family environment for your newborn by healing rifts in your relationship before baby arrives. All too often couples make the mistake of thinking that having a baby will bring them closer and repair their relationship. Don’t fall in this trap!

Making your relationship solid is the biggest gift you can give your newborn and by the way yourselves!

New Parents?

So often we aren’t prepared for the enormous changes a baby brings into a marriage. Despite being forewarned about sleepless nights and other stressors it is hard to prepare for the added pressures on your relationship. Mom’s attention is absorbed by baby as it should be, but this can leave your partner feeling out on a limb and wondering how to embrace their new role as the co-parent.

The joy of a new baby can feel eclipsed by stressors with your partner.

Pre-existing problems in your relationship can be magnified by things like:

• postpartum depression (possible for both Mom + Dad!)
• sleepless nights
• being suddenly thrust into all the new demands that parenting entails

All this can make you and your partner more reactive with each other and more prone to unproductive fighting

Build a solid foundation for your family by focusing on a creating a strong base with your partner.

Learn how to develop:

• the 3 key factors for a healthy and happy relationship
• effective conflict resolution and negotiation skills so that you can address any problem; big and small
• a united co-parenting team for your baby which will become even more important as your baby grows older

Remember: What you model in terms of healthy relationship and good communication skills is what your baby will learn from and repeat.

A Major Cost Saver

Take care of your relationship impasses and conflicts now rather than later. If you wait until they have reached crisis or boiling point the motivation to do the repair work might be higher but it will usually take longer and cost more.

Dealing with issues now is a big cost saver both emotionally and financially.

References:

Books

‘Hold Me Tight- 7 Conversations for a Lifetime of Love’ by Dr Sue Johnson
This is a book for both couples and professionals who work with couples. Learn how to recognize “Demon Dialogues” and forgive injuries by the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy. An approach endorsed by the American Psychological Association as on of the most successful approaches to creating loving relationships.

‘Mating in Captivity- Unlocking Erotic Intelligence’ by Esther Perel
This book poses the interesting questions: Can we desire what we already have? Does good intimacy make for hot sex? This book addresses the challenge of maintaining sexual excitement/ desire in long term relationships.

‘Tell Me No Lies’ by Dr Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson
(Founders of the Couples Therapy Institute)
Read about other couples who struggle with the same things you do in relationship. Learn how they breakthrough the lies to build stronger partnerships and marriages

‘Being Me, Loving You: A practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationships’ by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg- Founder of non-violent communication. Learn how to communicate about the most difficult and charged issues in your relationship with these fail proof guidelines

‘Getting the Love You Want’ by Harville Hendrix, PhD
Learn how to create a conscious and mature relationship by learning from what your parents/caregivers modeled instead of unconsciously repeating it.

Essential Books for Parents

‘And Baby Makes 3′ by John Gottman
Gottman has written a whole host of books based on his research of some 20+ years with couples. His approach could be named “the science of love.” He asks the question what makes one relationship work and not the other? Read Gottman and find out!

‘How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk’ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This is a parent’s essential and easy read.

‘Parenting from the Inside Out’ by Daniel Siegel, MD and Mary Hartell, MEd
This book looks at what is needed in a child’s environment to foster optimal development . While written by a neuroscientist it is very personable and readable. This one is a must have for new parents.

Websites

The Relationship Institute
www.therelationshipinstitute.org

Couples Therapy and Marriage Friendly Therapy Counseling using Intimacy Therapy to overcome marriage infidelity and affairs, improve relationships…

The Couples Therapy Institute
http://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples/index.html

Started by Dr Ellyn Bader and Dr Peter Pearson who are recognized worldwide for their pioneering work in marriage counseling and couples therapy.

Check out this site for free articles and a newsletter that will show you how other couples have dealt with such subjects as how to handle a passive aggressive partner, forgiveness and honesty. Learn about their popular “Coming From Your Heart” workshop for couples.

The Center for Non Violent Communication
http://www.cnvc.org/

The world renowned approach created by Dr Marshall Rosenberg for communicating needs in an empowered way. He works with individuals, couples and even countries to build instead of burn bridges.

Esther Perel
http://www.estherperel.com/events.html

Esther Perel is a world renowned speaker on the subject of erotic intelligence. She has appeared on multiple TV shows including the Oprah Winfrey Show, the Today Show and CBS this morning to address the subject of how to keep desire and excitement alive in long term relationships.

Last but not least: Romance- Ideas to bring the romance back! Get ideas here…http://www.romancetips.com/tips/